The urging to

The urging to help people is really strong tonight. I read the posts of the suppory group for HL and my heart bleeds, I feel so helpless sitting here on a keyboard offering nothing more than how HL has affected me.
What's worse is I find myself saying things that I use to hate hearing like "think positive thoughts" or "look on the positive side". Of what? The toliet bowl? Cause that's where I've spent the last two days.
What happens to us when we begin to grow our hair agin and the hole where our Picc line used to thread heals over? We lose what it was to be there, to be in that place that is literally inconsolable. That place so dark that you are positive there are no others that could even faintly fathom what is happening in your world. This place, this spinning all alone on a lonely black planet where you are tortured by thoughts of "what if" and "should I". Thoughts on the monster that has begun to unravel your very soul, starting from the skin in.
I don't care what others swear to, you come out no better; but worse. You are in no way improved.
And these are no lessons that couldn't have been learnt by another method.

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