That's a wrap for chemo...NOW on to radiation

Chemo #8 was exactly how I had expected it to be...horrible. It is so crazy what all of those chemo drugs do to your body and just how crappy they can make a person feel. It is definitely something that nobody should ever have to go through, but unfortunately it is the only way to get better. I had chemo on Thursday June 23rd, and didn't feel completely yucky until about Sunday...and the side effects are still wearing off now. Chemo makes me feel so exhausted! My energy feels like it has literally been zapped out of me. I cannot wait until I get my normal energy back and feel good again. During my really "bad chemo days" something so simple like walking up the stairs in my house, or having a conversation with someone, completely drains me. You would think that I would be able to sleep more through all of this since feeling so exhausted...but I have experienced just the opposite. I have had really bad insomnia through all of my treatments, maybe due to the steroid they have me on that makes me restless, the chemo drugs themselves, or straight anxiety, but I have only been able to take a few naps through this whole thing, and I am unable to fall asleep at a normal bedtime, so am up all night trying to get "sleepy." Trust me, I try forcing myself to sleep more, but it seems impossible and I hate having to take medication to make myself fall asleep. 

I am happy to say that I have finished up all 8 chemo treatments! It seemed like I would never get to the end of my chemo treatments...and here I am now, done. Although I am SO thrilled to be finished and am beyond relieved that I do not have another chemo treatment next week, I also do not feel quite ready to bust out the champagne and celebrate. I have gotten the impression that people think that I am done now that I am finished with chemo, but I still have to start & finish my radiation treatments and have that whole unknown "journey" to go through...which from what I hear, can be horrible all in itself. So let's put a hold on the celebratory party for now...at least until after a clear scan and I finish my radiation treatments...then a HUGE party is definitely in order! 

I am mostly just terrified to get too excited about anything until first, I get a scan done that shows that there is no longer any cancer lingering in my body, and second, when I get through and finish all of my radiation treatments. I just do not feel like I am quite finished with anything yet until I am completely done with ALL treatments and told that I am in  remission. It is crazy how cancer can really make a person lose all optimism at times. My way of thinking is that I never would have thought that I could get cancer at 25 years old in the first place, and if something that bad can happen to me, than anything bad can happen at anytime...if that makes sense? Which scares me further about my upcoming scan at the end of July and whether or not that will show clear. Having cancer has instilled a fear in me that I never had before. It has made me realize just how little control we have over things. Now I know that this is not logical, but pre-cancer, I assumed that because I did not smoke, did not do drugs, only drank alcohol occasionally, ate healthy, went to the gym, adopted stray animals, and felt like I was overall a good person, that something horrible like cancer just would not happen to me. I'm not saying that I thought people who have cancer deserved it in ANY way, but I just assumed that by doing all of the "right things" in life that I was kind of insuring myself against getting something so horrible. I guess you could call me naive. I am not trying to make this a negative post...but I emotionally feel a little mixed up about this whole situation at times, and the question of "WHY?" enters my mind often. 

I will have a whole month of (almost) no appointments before starting radiation, and this is SO exciting to me! I will also have time to hopefully start feeling better now that I will not have another chemo treatment to make me feel so awful. Since I was getting chemo every other week, usually right as I would start to finally feel better a week or so after chemo, I would have to get another treatment and start all over again with the disgusting feeling from the side effects. I plan on taking the time off of no chemo or appointments and just resting lots and hopefully letting my body start to heal and prepare for the radiation treatments that lay ahead. This will be perfect timing to celebrate my birthday! Who would have thought last year that all I would want for my birthday this year is a clear PET scan and to be cancer free???

Hoping that my birthday wish comes true!



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