Cheers to a HEALTHY 2012.

I finished chemo about 7 months ago, and finished radiation close to 5 months ago. The time has surprisingly gone by really fast! Things are pretty much returning to normal at this point. I started back at school this week (I was doing online classes during chemo/radiation). And I have also started working out at the gym taking spin and cardio kickboxing classes for the last few weeks. Starting at the gym again was not fun or easy at first, but it's getting easier each time I go. It has felt amazing to be back again, I just feel so much stronger already. I have also started eating really "clean" and as organic as possible. That has made me feel so much better also! There are a few lingering side effects that will hopefully go away or get better in time. One of them is that out of nowhere, my fingers get completely numb and tingly and turn pale white. It is so annoying! And I also still deal with the fatigue. I notice that I have to be careful not to overdo it, or I am exhausted for days after and have to try catching up on rest.
After my last scan in December, which came back clear, my cancer anxiety has really subsided. The worrying about it coming back is still there at times, but is definitely not in the front of my mind like it was just last month. I am trying to pick my life back up and "live" and enjoy every moment that I can. It's weird to go through all that I have and then just have things return to's like, what was the point of all of that? Why did that have to happen to ME? Hopefully there is a really important life lesson that I will learn from all of it, and I'll be able to help other people learn from my experience as well.

There have recently been some changes in my personal life regarding the relationship that I was in. Normally I'm a pretty private person about that stuff, but I feel like the whole point of this blog from the very beginning has always been to be 100% honest about my ENTIRE "cancer journey," and since I was in a relationship the whole time up until recently, it's something I feel I should bring up. I refuse to blame cancer for the deterioration of that relationship. After having cancer, I am just so much more aware of how selfish people can be and I refuse to have people like that in my life. I only want to be surrounded by people who are going to bring goodness and joy to my life. It is impossible to go through cancer and be in a relationship with somebody whose main concern is only themselves. There were so many things that got swept under the rug because I felt that maybe my cancer was hard on him, and that he didn't know how to take it or act toward me. I am not into ex-boyfriend bashing at all, and that is not what I am trying to do here!

I understand that being with someone who is going through a cancer diagnosis is not easy at all. It definitely takes a REAL man who is caring and patient to do so. But I was wrong for making so many excuses for somebody who should not have stayed with me during that time to begin with, and should have left the relationship in the beginning of my diagnosis when I suggested it. I know that it is not a good position to be in, to have your girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly diagnosed with cancer, but I do KNOW that if I were not the person with the cancer, but instead the girlfriend of someone diagnosed with cancer, that I would be there for them 100% of the time. I would not remind my boyfriend as he lay in bed sick after chemo that he used to work out at the gym. I would not ask when he will be wearing "hot" clothing again like he used to while he's in the middle of fighting for his life. I would not complain about petty & shallow things such as my "weird looking toe" and wanting to have surgery on it to my boyfriend whose only wish is to win his battle with cancer and live a full life. When going to spend the night with my boyfriend who is going through chemo and dealing with the gnarly side effects such as insomnia, I would not lay there complaining about the t.v. being on low and the dim light bothering me. IF my sick boyfriend wanted to get out of the house on his "good week" during chemo, I would not complain about having no money, especially when he would be just as happy (if not more) going on a walk or a bike ride...which are both FREE. I would not start a trendy diet as my boyfriend is going through chemo, instead I would be laying next to him drinking a milkshake. And most importantly, I would not choose going out to bars & clubs while my boyfriend lay in bed sick with cancer, wondering whether he is going to live or die. I would be right there with him even if he suggested I hang out with my friends, reassuring him that WE will get through this together, and I would make sure he knew that if he could not be out having fun at bars and clubs, than I wouldn't want to either. 
I was told upon diagnosis that cancer will be the ultimate test in determining the strength of a relationship, and obviously mine was not strong at all. I am not trying to bash anyone, I am just talking about my experience, and hopefully others going through cancer and in relationships can learn from it. 

2011 was an extremely difficult, tough, stressful, emotional and challenging year for me. With the diagnosis & treatment of cancer and the end of a relationship, I can only HOPE that 2012 will bring many wonderful & positive things my way.

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